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I MOVED OUT. IN MY OWN PLACE NOW. 

And because I know some of you are going to ask: my ex boyfriend and I have agreed to be good friends. AND we both agreed that we still have feelings for each other. But we are going to have to grow up and move on (easier said than done, but it will be done, eventually). We literally have started back at square one…as friends. He helped me moved all my stuff. It’s still kind of awkward, Im not going to lie. When we hug i have to push he off my faster than usual or it would get weird. But I’m learning. It’s not one of those “i wish you hell” break ups (10 points for the Tablo reference).  I am feeling better. 

Part 11: Thank you for that. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write to me. You know who you are. 

When that person who always texts and calls your first, that person who likes to spam your phone when you don’t reply…when he stops doing all that……..that’s when it hurts. 

Have any of you ever been through a break-up and felt this way? It just bothers me. I wonder if this break up is as hard for him as it is for me. Do you guys ever feel this way? like you just HAVE yo know if he’s thinking about you as much as you are struggling to not think about him?

I think I am ready to talk about this. Here goes nothing. 

We broke up. It was a nasty and depressing break up. I am moving out of his place and into my own condo apartment in two weeks. 

So I had lunch, with him and with the guy that I presumed he was cheating on me with. Apparently they are just “really close friends who are close enough make dirty jokes with one another.” Apparently it is “no big deal” and I was “blowing things out of proportion without confirming anything.” And you know what? I kind of believed them when they were telling me that. They did look and acted like friends. and my then boyfriend said something like “I’ve never had a close friend who is also not straight, so I was excited to have one.”

whatever. I was ready to run back into his arms tell him how much i missed him and how sorry i was for being so difficult. then we had dinner just the two of us that night and the truth came out. 

Apparently he was sky ping his mother and he wanted her to know about us (that we’re dating)..BASICALLY he apparently “loved” me so much that he wanted to finally come out of the closet to his mother (this is a big deal because he said he would never…and Im the same way). His mother then said something like…”-insert my name- made you this way didn’t he? you spent so much time with him and now you think you like men”….and his mother now apparently thinks I’m a useless person who brainwashed her son. She then said he can like whichever gender he wants but if he is going to date a guy, he should pursue someone who is rich. …She wanted him to basically pursue the guy that I thought he was cheating on me with. OMG this is getting confusing to type. BASICALLY my then boyfriend came out to his mother in the hopes of her accepting our relationship, BUT instead, she like threatened him and said something like if you’re going to date a guy, I want you to date someone who has a rich parent and rich connections (and that’s not me). SO to make his mother happy, he tried to flirt with this other guy. 

ok i am getting angry just typing this.

AND THEN he saids something like, “so can we stay together…im going to have to lie to my mother and pretend like Im interested in this other guy…but she doesn’t have to know you and I are truly in love.” 

and I told him no thank you. I don’t want to date someone who has to pretend to be in love with someone else. 

I was out of tears that night. I told him I wanted to break up for good. and I was dead serious. On our walk home, it was so awkward because I can tell he was holding back his tears, 

ok guys i can’t writ ethos anymore. it’s not helping me cope. but i just wanted to give you all something to read so you’re not confused (even though I’m sure this post confused you even more). 

I fell in love. I’m still in love. But sometimes lovers aren’t meant to be together, 

We broke up. I’ve been having a really tough time coping emotionally. I am so tired. Please bear with me. 

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He’s forcing me to go to lunch with him tomorrow. His “friend” is going to be there too. He wants to “clarify” everything. I hate confrontations but I am going to go and I am going to put forth my bitchiest baekhyun face ever. let the games begin.

I just got home. All my stuff were moved back to his room. I told him he’s wasting his time because I’m not going any where near him, let alone sleep with him. His replies with something like,

Stop trying to be strong. I heard you crying last night. You can sleep with me. I won’t fall in love with you again. If we both try really hard, we can sleep together without being in love. You haven’t been sleeping well have you?

I need to get myself out of this apartment asap omg. He’s right. I am not strong. I am just really good at pretending. 

Just got the best, most articulate message of encouragement and advice from one of my followers. wow. You inspire me. 

You know who you are, JR, youth advocate. Thank you. 

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